Dark Thoughts

Today is Valentine's Day and I should have blogged something happier instead of this upcoming content: suicide and depression. With the recent "suicide wave" being blown to Malaysia, the newspapers had been giving a lot of highlight to such cases which is so-called more popular in Japan and Korea especially mass suicide. Who hasn't thought of suicide? I guess many would have given this little topic a thought. I have but still I would never do it. It is rather a silly thing to commit suicide because when God's closed one door, he opens another. Often time we looked too long at the closed door that we didn't realize the one that is opened for us. When you are lost and feel completely at a dead end, never end your life. You can always take a U-turn or find some other solution.

This suicide epidemic, one after another has also highlighted that depression isn't something that we should take lightly about. Some people might misinterpret the symptoms of depression as migraine, chest pain, stomach ache, mood swings and restlessness because depression ain't something easy to diagnose. Apart from that, daily behaviours of someone depressed are detachment from people usually close to, lose interest in life, express helplessness and hopelessness and don't see a future for themselves. These are just some signs and some times it is hard to trace them because some people who are depressed usually have a mask.

A person may appear happy but you wouldn't know what is really going on in his/her mind. People who are depressed will some times appear cheerful and happy/carefree. This is something true. I always wear a mask on whenever I am sad or "emo" and I usually asked friends out to make myself busy and stop thinking about unnecessary things. I am cheerful when I am out with them but whenever I am left alone, I start to feel "lonely". Even when you are with a group of people or even close friends, some times, you tend to feel lonely. A good advice: "So be lonely... Learn your way around loneliness. Make a map of it. Sit with it for once in you life. Welcome to the human experience. But never use another person... as a scratching post for your own unfulfilled yearnings" (Gilbert 2006, pg. 68).

I love Elizabeth Gilbert's "Eat Pray Love". I some how felt that I am quite similar to her. Both Cancerian, we are both very emotional, sensitive and easily depressed. As quoted, she fight depression and low self-esteem, by "leaning on my support network, cherishing my family and cultivating my most enlightening friendship.... Medication should always be the last thing you try" (2011, p.52) I am similar too. I am dependent on my friends and family whenever I am sad/ stressed. I will look for companion and refused to be alone. Medication should never be the first option against depression. We should always make it the last thing. I have encountered this before and I always opted out with my own will. I still keep the 2 tablets in the cabinet in case of emergency because you can't simply buy controlled medicine in the pharmacy (The doctor gave me 3). No worries, mine ain't anti-depression but a form of relaxant that helps me to go to bed. Whenever I have too much in my mind to think about, I can't sleep. After reading Gilbert's book, I think this is worth sharing with others in times when they can't sleep:
"Go back to bed, because the only thing you need to do for now is get some rest and take care of yourself until you do know the answer. Go back to bed so that when the tempest comes, you'll be strong enough to deal with it (pg.17). When you cannot sleep, you cannot get yourself out of the ditch (pg.54)."

I love this message as well (a message from self to love yourself):
"I'm here. I love you. I don't care if you need to stay up crying all night long, I will stay with you. If you need the medication again, go ahead and take it -  I will love you through that, as well. If you don't need the medication, I will love you, too. There's nothing you can ever do to lose my love. I will protect you until you die, and after your death I will still protect you. I am stronger that Depression and I am braver than Loneliness and nothing will ever exhaust me" (pg 57).

Even if the whole world don't like you, love yourself. That will help you to go through the toughest time. Love yourself so that you wouldn't hurt your own self. Even if you don't, think of your closest one; your parents; your family.